Highlights of my failed attempts at Kitten training, as told by the Kritters themselves:

1) The first one to block the compter screen is alpha four-legger of the day…

2) The first one to get a bite of leftovers before they go in the fridge is the last one to get snuggles at night…

3) Smothering the hooman is a sign of affection, not domination

4) Scent marking and scratching the hooman’s favorite chair means that I feel completely at home.

5) Helping you type or dial phone numbers is a talent that you need to appreciate more.  If you don’t notice this, we’ll upgrade to bringing you the first catch of the morning next to your bed or on the floor in front of the coffeepot.

6) Chasing me with that waterbottle when you catch me doing something wrong only guarantees a power struggle.

7) When I jumped on the counter and ate the tips off the green beans, I was trying to save you time in preparing dinner tonight, honest!

8)  Snuggle fests on weekend mornings are great, but we really want you to hang out at home and be available 24/7.

9) Repeat after me: Bathing in front of you is a sign of respect… if you don’t like it, don’t watch!

10) We got into the compost only because you keep cleaning up all the crumbs and leftovers when you cook…  how can you expect us to earn our keep if you beat us to it?