Sitting with an old friend

I sat with someone yesterday

lost in the fresh pain of grief

I can’t begin to know the depth of their grief or their particular circumstances

but I know my own, for I have lived with grief longer than I’ve lived with love

Grief has become a reluctant friend of mine

following me ever present, reminding me of how large my heart truly is

when I want to shut it down.

I wanted to cry with that person,

but my role was to be an anchor

a witness

To be present with them

so they can learn how to be present with themself

and with grief on their own.

Today I am present with my own grief.

We cry together.

we listen to the lyrics and music

that speak to all of the things

that we love so dearly.

I sit with myself today

as a practice

washing my heart and soul

of the fear, anger and resentment

that kept love from being able to fully express itself.

Letting go of the hopes and desires

that fueled my dreams

finding the words to articulate these better,

finding ways to be more present for another

if I am lucky enough to find love again.

Letting go of the need to be seen and supported by those who haven’t walked in my shoes

and cannot fathom my journey

Letting go of the desire to be held, comforted,

and taught how to regulate myself

Letting go of the need to connect with others,

and connect deeply with my own heart instead

Letting go of the need for affirmation outside of myself

Letting go of my desire for what I wasn’t able to have as a child from another.

Opening to the possibility of a deeper experience

Opening to the willingness to be vulnerable again

Opening to gratitude for the love I have experienced

and the love I’ve been able to give

Opening to the many ways love can be expressed and experienced

without limitation or need

Opening to potential for creativity and purpose

beyond anything I have known thus far.

Today I am no longer reluctant to call grief a friend.

For she has been the most present friend I’ve ever known.

Today I sit with her, and listen to her remind me

of my values, worth, potential and ability

and paint a picture of what we want to build together.


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