I sat with someone yesterday
lost in the fresh pain of grief
I can’t begin to know the depth of their grief or their particular circumstances
but I know my own, for I have lived with grief longer than I’ve lived with love
Grief has become a reluctant friend of mine
following me ever present, reminding me of how large my heart truly is
when I want to shut it down.
I wanted to cry with that person,
but my role was to be an anchor
To be present with them
so they can learn how to be present with themself
and with grief on their own.
Today I am present with my own grief.
We cry together.
we listen to the lyrics and music
that speak to all of the things
that we love so dearly.
I sit with myself today
as a practice
washing my heart and soul
of the fear, anger and resentment
that kept love from being able to fully express itself.
Letting go of the hopes and desires
that fueled my dreams
finding the words to articulate these better,
finding ways to be more present for another
if I am lucky enough to find love again.
Letting go of the need to be seen and supported by those who haven’t walked in my shoes
and cannot fathom my journey
Letting go of the desire to be held, comforted,
and taught how to regulate myself
Letting go of the need to connect with others,
and connect deeply with my own heart instead
Letting go of the need for affirmation outside of myself
Letting go of my desire for what I wasn’t able to have as a child from another.
Opening to the possibility of a deeper experience
Opening to the willingness to be vulnerable again
Opening to gratitude for the love I have experienced
and the love I’ve been able to give
Opening to the many ways love can be expressed and experienced
without limitation or need
Opening to potential for creativity and purpose
beyond anything I have known thus far.
Today I am no longer reluctant to call grief a friend.
For she has been the most present friend I’ve ever known.
Today I sit with her, and listen to her remind me
of my values, worth, potential and ability
and paint a picture of what we want to build together.